Solemn Mood

At the outset, don’t get me wrong. I have 2 beautiful children and for that I am blessed. I have my health, my family and my friends and for that I am indebted.

I just need to whinge, vent, moan, complain – whatever...

You know those periods in your life when everything just seems to go wrong and your life just doesn’t seem blissful? Well, I am going through one of those times at the moment.

I feel like life is a grind; a chore – what ever you call it. What ever it is, I'm living it.

I was just sitting in my lounge room with 4 baskets of washing strewn across the place, clutter everywhere, trying to find something decent to watch on a Saturday night (and we have pay tv) – all whilst Trevor had fallen asleep upstairs (he worked this morning). As I sat there flicking between stations I couldn’t help but feel this overwhelming sense of sorrow. I simply do not feel happy.

Let me paint a little picture...

There are issues with Trevor that I don’t particularly want to pen right at this moment. Lets just say there are trust issues (and no he wasn’t unfaithful – just wanted to clear that up! he he he) which makes life hard. There are some resentment issues on my part too which stem from financial concerns. We don’t’ go out by ourselves – heck we haven’t even gone out for our anniversary yet, which was 6 weeks ago (you might remember Lily had gastro as did I). He gets caught up in his thing and me mine (EB and MSN).

*sigh*

I took Byron to soccer this morning. It was a disaster for the second week in a row. He was participating fine for about 10 minutes. Then they started a game where you had to go under the rope but not touch it. Byron touched it first. He got ‘out’. As soon as he was told he was ‘out’; that he touched the rope, he burst into tears and came running off the field. Despite plenty of coaxing he refused to go back on. So, for the remaining 50 minutes he pretty much hid behind a wall. Last week, the same thing happened. He couldn’t get the ball in the goal and cracked it. Cried and ran off and that was it. I was so embarrassed. I just don’t understand this behaviour. I don’t know what to do about it and I feel helpless. What if it gets worse? What if he can’t participate in sporting activities ever! I feel like it’s my fault; that I’m not around enough. I thought he was such a confident boy – guess I was wrong. Gawd! I don’t even know my own child.

I have decided to persevere with the soccer because I hope that when he gets used to the people he might enjoy it more. I don’t really think soccer is the issue in any event – he is developing a trait in general where he just gives up if he doesn’t get what he wants. He needs to know that not all can be won and that you don’t get your own way all the time. Trevor will take him next week and I hope he has more luck.

*sigh*

Everything is breaking. The cars are breaking left right and centre. There are endless bills (far out and unexpected things – the air-conditioning is making gurgling sounds and will need a service; there were unexpected mortgage fees that needed to be paid).

*sigh*

I’m the worst house-wife and you would think the same if you saw my place – although my besty kindly pointed out to me last night that I WASN’T a house wife so therefore I couldn’t be crap – According to her, I am a full time working mother with 2 kids...when the heck am I meant to do house work? Bless her for trying to make me feel better. It worked for about 10 minutes until I went into the bathroom and saw the state of it!

*sigh*

I am really tired – not physically but mentally. I need a holiday or a getaway from the rut I feel I’m in. Trouble is, work is incredibly busy at the moment; too busy for a holiday. There is no money for a holiday and do I really want a holiday with the kids????

*sigh*

So there you have it! Some of the reasons behind my solemn mood. Who knows...maybe I will feel better tomorrow?

I doubt it...