Breathe…Breathe…Breathe

I could scream - in fact I already have.

I could cry - opps done that.

We went to the house last night because I wanted to see the finished tiling. The tiling’s done but I didn’t care about that. All I cared about was the fact that when I walked into the garage I couldn’t see the granite. Our beautiful big 2 metre piece of granite (for the study nook) was gone, as well as all our off cuts (to be used for chopping boards).

I was frantically trying to ring the builder (at 7.00pm at night – do you think he was answering?!!), the kids were screaming and running around like mad people, Trevor was being a dick head (plus I didn’t want to talk to him – he had been to the house on three separate occasions prior and didn’t even notice the granite was missing – it was the first thing I noticed) all while trying to stay composed and to breathe.

That’s the story of my life at the moment…breathe…breathe…breathe.

My emotional status is literally hanging by a thread these days. I’m so stressed it’s beyond a joke. It’s scary in actual fact. I’m not normally a ‘stressful’ person but I’m literally at breaking point at the moment.

I’ve not really talked about it much mostly because I’m so busy that I haven’t really got around to it. There is also the fact I just don’t want to address it. The new house; the unsold house; working fulltime; stretched finances; a misbehaving child…its all taking a toll.

I don’t know how much more I can handle. Everyday there seems to be another drama or stressor whether it be something at the house (like the lost granite) or something to do with our current house (which hasn’t sold – no. 1 stressor for sure), a deadline at work (it’s crazy there at the moment) or Byron not listening (happening all the time). There isn’t a day that goes by event/stress free.

There is so much I want to say; so much I have on my chest but I don’t have the energy to talk. I turn 30 in one week today. To be honest I feel every bit my 30 years. Literally, over the last year or two I have aged (physically, mentally and emotionally). I have felt the weight of the world on my shoulders and with each passing day I feel like I’m sinking further and further.

I know my life isn’t ‘hard’…it’s far from it. I have a family that love me and for peat’s sake I’m moving into a brand new house in a week (but I tell myself I’m certainly going to be paying for it). It’s still hard though…hard for me and that's what matters in my life.

The cost of living is hard for a start. My mortgage rate goes up monthly (irrespective of whether the reserve bank puts up the cash rate), I have bills coming out of my ears and not enough money to fund them until I sell the house (which isn’t happening).

I’m not spending near enough time with my kids. I’m frustrated and they can sense that. Byron’s behaviour of late is far from desirable. He doesn’t listen. He’s loud and a smart mouth. I need to work on that. I need to pull the reigns in and I need to do it now.

Everything is now. Now. Now. Now.

Sigh (I do that a lot lately…literally).

I’ll be ok. I’ll just keep moving. I’ll just keep going and hope that once I get in the house and sell the other one that things will get better. Things will settle down. In the meantime I’ll remember to breathe and to do it deeply.

…and just so you know…the builder advised me this morning that his labourer had accidentally ‘thrown’ away our granite last Friday. Apparently, he (the stupid labourer) *thought* it was rubbish. What a freakin idiot! The builder apologised and said he would reimburse us. All well and good but it’s the inconvenience that hurts more although a $900 loss isn't something to scoff at.