Mother’s Guilt

So I’m feeling down; really down. There are a few things but the overwhelming concern for me is whether I’m doing the right thing by my kids working fulltime...???

I just feel terribly guilty about the way things are at the moment. The kids don’t appear to be suffering or at least that’s how it appears to me; but me? Well, I’m suffering a little bit at a time. It’s like every day of the last 8 months has chipped a little away from my mothering soul. I simply can’t shake the guilt of it anymore.

For the most part, I go to work and I plot along and that is what I have done for the past 8 months. There are some issues at work (with the team) which isn’t making for a very pleasant work environment which has got me thinking about what is important to me. I go to work because I have to earn money to keep us afloat. I don’t go to work to be sucked into the abyss of crap some people find the need to be involved in. I would much rather be home with my kids and that is it, plain and simple.

Would it be better for us to stay here [where we live now] and plot along? Probably not. We are claustrophobic. We are at each other’s throats. There are toys everywhere. There is no more room left. It’s definitely time – time to move. With the prices of houses etc, well, there is no other option but for me to work - and full time is it for now. Trevor just simply doesn’t earn enough for me not to work or even to work 3 days a week in the current building and house climate. Even if we stayed where we are I would have to work. It’s just a plain and simple case of having to live! I know we chose to build our house when others might argue we could have got away without it. We say that’s not the case because our family quite frankly needs it – we need a bigger place or our sanity will be next to go.

Anyway, I’m getting off track here because whether we chose to build a house or not is not the issue. I guess, for the most part, I feel sad that it’s a case of me having to work fulltime. I feel sad that I don’t have a choice not to work fulltime. I feel ripped off with my mothering experience and that’s just it. I feel like I don’t get the same joy and delight and experience as the ‘stay at home mother’ does. I feel like a bad mother. That may sound stupid. It may not be the case at all. Unfortunately though, it’s the way I feel.

I’m tired of seeing my kids at their worst times – when they are hungry for breakfast and ready for bed. I am tired of seeing angst over happiness. I’m tired of trying to fit everything in on a Saturday. I’m tired of feeling like I’m missing out. I especially feel like I have ripped Lily off. I was only working 3 days a week with Byron at the same age and with Lily it is 5 days.

I guess I just feel like I’m doing a terrible job. People tell me I’m doing a good job juggling both and whilst we are managing well, it doesn’t ease my guilt. While we’re on it! If someone tells me one more time that “unfortunately that is just the way it is today – everyone has to do it so just get on with it” I will loose it. I hate it when people say I’m being too sensitive and not to worry “the kids won’t remember” or “they know no different”. I try to tell my self that everyday just to make it better but I know different. I know how it should be and is meant to be. Why can’t it be for me?

I have been feeling like this for a good while and today it came to a head. I will get passed it, move on, but I will always carry mother’s guilt. I guess nothing will ease it or take it away except an option of working less and at the moment that is not on the agenda.