Deflated

You know those times in your life where nothing seems to go right; you feel like crap and no matter how hard you try you just can’t seem to snap out of it? Well, that’s me at the moment. I seriously don’t think I’ve wallowed in my self pity like this for a really long time. Today, I sat on the lounge in my pyjamas and haven’t moved all day, except to the kitchen. I have no patience. I don’t want to see people. I don’t care for the internet, my photography or even playing with my kids. I just want to be alone.

I want to dig a big hole and hide away…hide away for ever!

Sigh.

I suppose it’s been a long time coming really. We still haven’t sold the other place and I am sick and tired of having no money. I hate working full time, am not completely fond of my job at the moment and I desperately want to cut back but I can’t.

I was travelling along ok – trying to look at the positives in life until Friday when I stuffed up. I stuffed up badly at something, I’d rather not say what (because I’m totally embarrassed), and well, I just feel rejected, worthless and stupid. I simply feel deflated.

I think Friday was the icing on the cake and synonymous of my life.

I’m normally a positive person and I look at the things I have and I’m grateful – health, two gorgeous kids, husband, family, beautiful friends and a nice house. Today that’s not enough. Today I can’t help looking at the bad – the struggles – the constant crap that goes on in my life and wonder when it will end. No matter how hard I work – and that’s damn hard – it’s not enough…it’s never enough.

I just want to struggle less, worry less and just coast along but nothing is ever cruisey in my life and I’m totally over it.

I’m really unhappy and feel so guilty for feeling that way especially when there are people out there who are far worse off. Really, my life isn’t at all bad so why should I complain? As true as that may be, that fact remains I’m not in a good place right now. I’m really not.

I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know what it will take to make it better (short of a lotto win maybe). I just know that I want to be in that ‘happy place’ again.

Sigh.